It pinched my arse!

That's right! It did and I didn't like it. I mean, in the end of the day, it's my decision who or what is allowed to pinch me. A common loo seat is not on the list. The cheap plastic seat had done its deeds; not only was it rather wobbly and moved around, it had also lost one of its buffers (I think it didn't even have all to begin with). As a result, it cracked and as the crack got bigger, it was getting more uncomfortable--not to sit, but to get up again. Ouch!
So I merrily went to get a new seat. Wooden this time, as it's much nicer, far more comfortable and you don't get a shock in the winter.
Happy and with my new loo seat tucked under my arm, I went home and looked forward to use it. See, I'm easy to please. It's the simple things in life that make me smile.
With trembling hands, I opened the packet, removed the seat and fixings, and got to work. But I made my plans without the seat; it wouldn't have any of it. The plastic wing nut wouldn't screw onto the metal spindle! No matter how hard I tried, it just didn't grip. Simple Assembly instructions my arse! After minutes of trying, I had a sore thumb and index finger. The other one was just fine, but not that bugger.
Well, I'm not easily defeated--not by a toilet seat! So I grabbed a hammer and helped it a little. Not that it did any good, because the bastard still wouldn't screw to the top. Not one bit! By now I was fuming. I had a dig in my tool box and found another metal spindle, but couldn't get the plastic wing nut off the original spindle anymore. Brilliant! Just brilliant, I thought, fumbling in the tool box again. But nothing would fit the spindle.
Deflated, I fixed one side, but it really didn't do the job. Have you ever tried to sit on a very wobbly loo seat and wipe your backside? I guess I'll have some muscle ache tomorrow from trying to keep me sitting on instead of ending up on the floor.
Who the hell invented plastic washers anyway? On slippery porcelain? That's just wrong if you asked me.

Can you see it laughing? But not for long. I'll have the last laugh! Wish me luck.
Today will be round two of the battle. May the better one (that is me in case you wonder) win.