I'm not Grammar Jesus

Well, that's what I've been told yesterday and I had to laugh at that statement. Guess what? The person was right. This particular person -- presumably an author -- is trying to sell his book. And he seems to think no matter what it takes. People have repeatedly pointed out that the book is full of errors, so is the blurb.
He seems unwilling to correct any of them. Not even one.Now call me cynical, but I doubt this book will succeed.
After I pointed out that his one-liner had eight errors in it, he told me I'm not Grammar Jesus. Heck, I don't want to be Jesus anyway. I'd rather be a Grammar Nazi, because that would mean my grammar is impeccable, which is not the case. But I have hope.
At the moment, I'm learning the past of the past, as I call it, or probably better known as past perfect. All those names don't mean anything to me to be honest; I learn it all by heart.
My poor friend Tom is the one who suffers, as I'm sending him excerpts from the thriller, asking him to highlight anything wrong so I can fix it and he kindly helps me on my quest to learn and improve.

Speaking of the thriller: after I've finally had the breakthrough with the rough storyline, the writing flows. Sort of. My daily goal is 1000 words and so far, I've managed apart from one day, where I only wrote 500. Better than nothing, right? I hope to have the first draft complete by mid May. So pull up your knickers, it's getting hot, my dears.

Hot was it in London today and I spent the whole day on the roof, writing, chatting to people and then partaking in the workshop for us gardeners. As a result I brought home 1200 words, half a proposal written and a full blown sunburn. Oh and an aching body. Ho hum.

Characters: don't overdo it.

Yesterday, I had an exchange with a friend on Facebook. I spoke about one of my characters in the Thriller. Gary O'Neil is a 20-year-old Irish bloke, shy, fair-skinned, has red hair and freckles and works in IT. He gets red ears, either when embarrassed or excited.
My friend said he's too much of a stereotype. I agree on the stereotype, but not on the too much. My friend suggested I'd make him mixed raced, and more off the wall, but I declined. The reason being is that he's a minor character and he introduced himself being like he is. But he has an exciting and rather unexpected hobby :parachute jumping and goes to the gym to keep his neck and back fit for that.

All my main characters are normal people, like your neighbour next door, that's what I've been told I'm good at: create real and believable characters with their ticks, their angst, their thoughts and I believe that Gary is as believable as all other characters in the book. I find it not necessary to create characters as much off the wall as possible. Maybe in Sci-fi or Fantasy, but not for a Thriller. I do have Sarah, though, tattooed and pierced, a bit on the tough side and people would expect her to be a graphic designer, tattooist or piercer, but no, she's a make-up artist and also a production assistant in the porn industry.
Guess that's off the wall enough, though she's a  normal woman who gets up every day to do her job, she meets with friends, loves and lives.
Oh and as a special request of someone on the Amazon forum, who said there are never old, fat, grey-haired, stuttering guys in Thrillers, I created John. :-)

Stereotypes work if you add some sort of unexpected character trait to them. Like Gary and Sarah, but you don't need to make all characters like that. As in real life, some just fit the profile of the meek guy who has no social life, or the girl who gets drunk every weekend and sleeps around, so don't be shy and give them a well-deserved place in your book.

You can't outrun the past

Today, I felt strong enough to post something I wrote a while back, when I had one of my ADHD lows. I've always admired song writers for their ability to pour their emotions into beautiful lyrics and there was a time, I wanted to do the same. Yet I never came up with something good enough. I'm not a poet and never will be as you probably will see confirmed by the piece below, but then it's not my goal anyway. No, I'm not fishing for compliments, I'm well aware of my limits, but nevertheless, I write things like that once in a blue moon.

The warmth of the sun on my skin;
I feel cold.
I'm running faster,
can't shake my pursuer;
too fast it is, no matter my effort.
Without turning, I look back.
Pain reaches out, attaches itself;
helpless, I scream, my cries unheard.
Thick layers of clouds swallow the light,
freezing my soul.
Stunned I watch from afar;
I want to be free;
have I ever been?
Darkness envelops me
more with every struggle.
If I stop running, 

will I be free?

What's up with Amazon?

With reviewing, that is. Well, not me, but an author friend of mine. Tony Armitt, who has presented himself as a kind nature, polite, mild mannered and helpful has been struck by Amazon's arbitrariness; he dared to be honest and as a result all his results have been deleted. But let's go back to the beginning.
Below you find what he wrote on the Amazon forum, so you have a detailed 'report'. It is a bit longer, but I thought it might be of interest. It's for sure one reason I don't review at all.

~~~~~

Is Amazon guilty of selective censorship? Please read the following cautionary tale and let me know what you think.

I am a part time writer, and reader of books.

Generally speaking I read at least one book per week, which has usually been purchased from Amazon. As a regular reader, I have a routine for selecting my next book.

Firstly, I make a choice based upon genre or author. Secondly I check the reviews offered by other readers. So far this system has worked very well for me. When I then come to review the book myself, I usually give a rating of 4 or 5 stars. In fact 90% of my reviews fall within this range. I have until now, never given a review below 3 stars. If I know the author, I also declare this in my review.

Last week my run of good fortune came to an end. About a third of the way into a 5 star rated book, I felt as though I was losing the will to live. The book, an anthology of short horror stories, was quite possibly the dullest book I have ever read.

For me, a short story should be just that. It should have a start, middle and an end. It should have only one conflict; characters and scene setting which are more broadly drawn than in novels. The story should race to conclusion before delivering a final and unexpected twist. For me, the book in question failed on almost every level. The stories were in parts, quite farcical, the text over written. After the second reflective monologue, I began to glaze over. In short, I really disliked the book. But that's the thing about writing; it's subjective. A book that I hate could be just as easily loved by someone else.

Based on my reading experience, I gave the book a 2 star review on Amazon.

Within hours, I received an email to advise me that a comment had been posted about my review; a previous reviewer of the book was questioning my motives for posting such a low rating.

Now call me cynical, but once I have written a review about a book, I rarely revisit the book to see how it is doing. This particular `reviewer' must have been a bit of a fan though, because he had not only reviewed the ebook on Amazon UK, but also on Amazon US, and he'd even reviewed the paperback version too! In spite of this, I can only assume that he is not much of a reader. The only other book he has bothered to review at the time of writing this piece is the author's other book.

I replied and explained my reasons for writing the review. If I'm totally honest, I was also a little flippant about how some authors acquire such glowing reviews.

A few days later, whilst reviewing another book, I noticed that my review had been deleted by Amazon. Not to worry, I thought. The review was probably deleted for the inappropriate comment by the `disgruntled reviewer' and my subsequent reply. I posted a second review which was far less detailed than the first and forgot all about it.

Yesterday I received an email from Amazon to advise me that my review had been deleted as it was in breach of Amazon review guidelines. Apparently an author cannot review work that their own book competes with.

I was a little miffed by this. I don't write vindictive or spiteful reviews. All of my reviews are based upon my reading experience. Also, I can very readily find many books on Amazon that have been reviewed and rated by competing authors; I have been doing it all year!

I can only assume that this is not a problem unless the review is less than favourable.

Now I'm sorry, but this strikes me as plain old fashioned censorship. You can only offer an opinion that is positive? It's like only being able to vote for one political party!

What has made this situation worse for me is the fact that after questioning Amazon's decision to remove my original review, I have discovered that ALL of my reviews had been deleted. Most of these reviews are for works of historical fiction; a genre that I do not even write in. I can only assume that Amazon believe that `authors' are not entitled to or capable of offering an objective opinion. This is frankly insulting.

I have written to Amazon to question their decision and validity for behaving is such a way. So far, all I have had back is a sterile, automated reply which directs me to Amazon's guidelines on writing reviews. It would seem that Amazon is more interested in keeping the peace than acting in the interests of its customers.

I will not be writing any more reviews on Amazon, as I now consider it a pointless exercise. I will also be looking to purchase my books elsewhere.

~~~~~

Tony hasn't got a blog, but if you like Horror, you can find his book here:

If you had similar experiences, I want to hear about it.

Growing your own vegetables and lettuces in lofty heights

As regular visitors to my blog know, I became a gardener last year. I read about the roof-park as an event space and popped by to see what it's all about. What surprised me the most was that they actually have a garden up there. They are Bootstrap, who owns the place, and a few volunteers, community members either working or living in Hackney, or both. I had a chat with Kate - one of them - since I've always been interested in gardening, but never had a backyard since it's a tad difficult in London. So I got in touch with Bootstrap, attended my first meeting and have become an enthusiastic member since then. It's addictive, you see? Once you sow seeds, the joy of seeing the first green pushing through the soil, watching it grow and harvest it when it's time; it comes with a great deal of satisfaction. I eat a lot of salad in the summer, and I get my lettuces, spring onions and tomatoes from the roof. Unfortunately, feta-cheese doesn't grow on trees and cows would look rather odd on the roof, but hey, one can't have it all, right?

Over the winter, Kate and I popped up to the roof to look after the garlic and broad beans we've planted and harvested plenty of lettuce, kale and broccoli. We also organised ourselves and founded a garden committee, consisting of the hard core of gardeners who meet monthly - with Zak from Bootstrap - to put the plans for the new design into action. The past two years have been a bit of trial and error, but this year, we gardeners have a firm grasp on what is going to happen, fully supported by the company, which is lucky indeed. Since yesterday it's official: to join the merry digging, community gardener Alex has been appointed to  help us gain more knowledge and provide workshops, open for everyone to pop by and take a stab at gardening. (Picture: us discussing what we'd like to grow, left to right: Kate, Zak, JC, Barbara, Tess, Christine.)

(Last Sunday: JC and Alex are busy working, Tess taking notes, whereas
 Anthony just made a good impression. Just kidding.)
To  make the garden as pretty as possible we have been working like maniacs over the past few weeks. Since I'm a bit more flexible with my time, I've been on the roof almost every day for two hours, weeding, preparing growbags with soil, compost and manure, replanting some of the plants that have survived the winter. On Sundays, we got together with all gardeners, including Alex and Zak, who's not afraid to get his hands dirty, and quickly we transformed the former mess into something more appealing. There will be another day to put everything in the right place, but then we'll start with planting. Just before the Roof Park will be opened to the public.

As you can see, the black boxes have been replaced with much nicer cladding. It's not finished yet; it'll look pretty when it's done, though. We also plan to use the wall; it's the sunniest place and we all agreed that it would be a shame to waste that space. Hanging baskets with either flowers or herbs would be appropriate, anything that can take sun and water from above. In the bags below, we'll have fruit bushes and small trees, as well as our grapes, which carried sweet red fruit last year. I don't know about you, but I'll spend a lot of time this summer on the roof. Not only is it a bit of a oasis for me, but I also love the idea of growing my own food. And Sundays, we all get together, gardening for a few hours, then have a massive BBQ, accompanied with our very own crop.

Tip of the week: unnecessary repetition

If there's something that really makes me groan when reading, then it's repetition. Or in other words, treating a reader like he or she is retarded.
What I see often is a scene being repeated through dialogue. Not only is it unnecessary, it's also clogging up word count and slows down the pace considerably. It's probably a trap most first time writers walk into, but it's easily avoided once you know about it. I did it myself -- with a minor character -- repeating his name after I'd introduced him to the reader a few pages before.
 
Let's make it a bit clearer: Character A and B have a conversation. Character B meets character C the next day and tell him exactly what the conversation was about in dialogue. Now I, the reader, have been present the first time, hanging on ever word character A and B exchanged and don't need to get it retold.

Or: A scene where a woman gets mugged, described in detail, how she screamed, what he said, how she reacted, maybe even that she thought he looked far too posh, etc. Later at the police station she's interviewed and the questions of the officer as well as her answers tell me the whole scene again. Boring!

Those kinds of repetitions aren't needed. It's often the moment, when I start skipping or at least sigh loudly.

Better to let character B fill character C in. C could then give an opinion about the conversation, perhaps even make a statement about character A.

And the police could ask additional questions, you can inform the reader what will happen next, they could try to identify the posh mugger by looking into their database.

If you eliminate those, you'll have a much tighter and better book. The reader will be thankful for it.

Writing is for masochists

There wasn't a day in the past three months I didn't feel like banging my head against the wall. Hard. If you saw me complaining and whining on Facebook or Twitter, you can now click the top right corner: it's the dreaded thriller again.
For weeks I'd not come up with a decent plot line. My first idea was to have a book in a book; a character writing about it all which would have been revealed in the end, but my friend smashed it immediately saying, nope, I hate that. And I see where she's coming from. It's like the whole book being a dream. Not good. It caused me a lot of grief, because I couldn't come up with anything realistic, believable, something which would be a smooth outline or suspenseful which has the reader turning the pages. As with my short fiction, I like to keep a surprise for the end. I must admit, this was a tough one. I'm not normally a plotter, but for this book, I started with the torture scenes first, then with some other scenes and I had to think of a way to combine them to make a story. When I couldn't come up with anything decent, I was ready to give up. To me it's important that the story is neat, that I can make the reader believe it could happen, that the it's real. The editor in me is always looking over my shoulder, slapping me if I try to venture off the roads.
It's the first time I really struggle with a book and I even questioned myself: Am I really a writer. To me the answer is no. Or maybe yes, but perhaps I'm not so much a story teller. One of those who bursts with stories. I don't. Though I certainly have quite a few more stories to tell, it's not like I can't write fast enough to get them all out. But then, is it important? I write stories people enjoy, that's what writing is all about. At least to me, it is.
I love a challenge, but wondered if this one isn't a bit too much for me. People kept telling me they believed in my talent and that I will finally find a solution, but I started to get more and more frustrated. My perfectionism being a bully. So much, that I almost decided to give up on that book and continue with the next one I have in the queue. Funnily though, I quit a lot of things in my life, but when it comes to writing, I'm rather determined. And it paid off. I finally made it, I have a plot I'm happy with and will continue to write. Hope it's all worth it, but that's for the readers to decide when the book's finished.

To all of you who let me whinge and howl, thank you for your encouragement. You know who you are.

In the meantime, I've also continued to write on the second book of funny shorts, stay tuned. :-)

Happy weekend, everyone.